small select arsenal

I’m just going to go ahead and put it out there, sometimes I get pretty serious bouts of anxiety. They come and go, but when they hit, it’s like an unfriendly cloud of Dread that shadows me, always hovering near by, always poking at me and saying, ‘Remember me? I’m here to remind you that things will not turn out like you hoped, that you’re one step away from total ruin and failure, and your closest friends and family can barely put up with you.’

The Dread is a familiar foe having come and gone for most of my life for as far back as can be remembered. Like an old acquaintance that is not welcomed but still keeps showing up nonetheless. When I was younger I was ill-equipped to deal with it, succumbing to its heaviness and sinking into the totality of it.  The routine of it is very familiar. There were some moments of darkness you just wouldn’t wish on anyone. And you wonder if anyone has ever felt like this before. And feel terribly for them if they have, because you know you’re barely hanging on yourself.

As I have gotten older I’ve accumulated a small select arsenal of means to combat the Dread, because when I feel it creeping in like only total darkness can do, the trigger goes off in my brain to get proactive rather than succumb. And this is a good thing. Crossfit has become an integral part of my means to battle the Dread. It never fails. Today in point. I was feeling overwhelmed and not seeing any sort of finish line with particular goals that are held very dear. They all just seem so far away today. Totally unreachable and unrealistic and clearly only a fool could hope for such things (this would be the Dread talking).

It was everything I could do to get to a WOD today. I watched the clock tick and thought of every possible excuse why I couldn’t make it to the 6pm class: ‘It will be too crowded. You are not in the best mood, what if you snap at someone,. You should just go to sleep. Your body is tired. Give yourself a break.’

But I also knew what was really happening, I was ready to jump out of my skin from the fear and angst brought on by the Dread because there are physical symptoms as well, including the increased heart rate.  Sit next to me in a meeting, if my foot is shaking non-stop under the table as it was this morning, chances are the Dread is seeping in. In the end the only real thing that could save me from drowning into it was getting my ass kicked at Crossfit. Because when it’s 3, 2, 1.. Go! The only thing I can think about is completing the very tangible task in front of me, to exhaustion, and that’s all I need to turn off the brain, and shake free from the Dread.

Warm-Up:

Run 200m

20 Burpees

Run 200m

20 Pistols

Completed: one of those days where the warm up is almost as hard as the WOD.

WOD:

I. With a Partner: AMRAP in 10 Minutes:

10 Deadlifts (135/95)

Burpees

Completed: 15 rounds total with my awesome partner Carmen.   Great job today!  And at RX! Just going to say this here, I think burpees are getting a little tiny intsy bitsy smidgeon easier.  Shut. Up.

Rest 2 Minutes

II. With a Partner: AMRAP in 10 Minutes:

10 Wall Balls (20/14)

Toes-to-Bar

Completed: 17 rounds total. Again at RX.  Woot!

Rest 2 Minutes

III. Run 800m for time

800 meters equals a half mile. Completed: in 4:22.

The arsenal can be put to rest for now. I will sleep well tonight.

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