Days 30 and 31

“I went to a tattoo parlor and had YES written onto the palm of my left hand, and NO onto my right palm, what can I say, it hasn’t made my life wonderful, its made life possible, when I rub my hands against each other in the middle of winter I am warming myself with the friction of YES and NO, when I clap my hands I am showing my appreciation through the uniting and parting of YES and NO, I signify “book” by peeling open my hands, every book, for me, is the balance of YES and NO, even this one, my last one, especially this one. Does it break my heart, of course, every moment of every day, into more pieces than my heart was made of, I never thought of myself as quiet, much less silent, I never thought about things at all, everything changed, the distance that wedged itself between me and my happiness wasn’t the world, it wasn’t the bombs and burning buildings, it was me, my thinking, the cancer of never letting go, is ignorance bliss, I don’t know, but it’s so painful to think, and tell me, what did thinking ever do for me, to what great place did thinking ever bring me? I think and think and think, I’ve thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it.”
― Jonathan Safran Foer

Yesterday was my last large event for work. We had our annual fundraising walk in the park on Sunday. From early morning until late afternoon the sun shone brightly upon us. It was a crisp 50 degree day. Because I’m still on crutches I spent the day in the accounting trailer. When not tallying donations I looked out the window.

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But my heart was heavy all day. I couldn’t shake it. I felt caught between worlds with no where yet to land. No longer a part of the team at work since I would be leaving soon and feeling indifferent towards our goals, and yet to find my new team with new goals and new connections to be shared.

Apart from everything, a part of nothing.

As my coworkers gathered at the end of the day to celebrate their hard work and successes, I sat in my chair, crutches laying at my feet, and took this photo of the the world outside my window. I wanted to remember these feelings, of isolation, solitude, separation. It was my choice not to fully participate with my team. It was my choice to feel this way.

I was pulling back and pulling out and I wanted to remember. I had short-timers syndrome.

Why invest when you will be leaving shortly? Self preservation? It felt more like lack of energy, lack of interest, lack of wanting to connect. A strong desire to simply go home and put my foot up and check-out. Read a book, throw the ball for the dog, anything, anything at all that would get away from here.

There’s quite of a few of us that will be leaving on the 8th but no one is talking about it. It’s simply business as usual, go team! People choose not to recognize what is happening to some of us. It’s simply too awkward and in the end what’s to be said about all of it anyway.

It is what it is.

I’m feeling ready to go now. With the walk over and a majority of my projects tidy and organized for the next person, I’m simply ready to go. Let’s just get on with it, shall we. Power down the computer, close the binder, turn off the light. New goals, new horizons, new adventures. New opportunities await.

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