I’ll miss you most of all.

Everyone is gone. Driving home, boarding trains, and shuttles, and buses, and airplanes. It’s raining today. Every day of the residency was bathed in bright blue or kissed in the sparkle of white snow fall. But today, it rains and only the sound of crows. At once I feel ready to say goodbye and at another I feel sad and left alone. I can’t wait to see Oliver. Feel the velvet of his ears between my fingers. He’ll probably smell like the kennel. Cleaning supplies and neighboring dogs. I miss my friends, but we will be in touch. My heart has been filled from 10 days of like minded souls coming together to share, explore, and open themselves up to what were at first complete strangers and now loving family. I can do this. I can do the work. I’ll miss — particularly. He’s charming and brilliant and funny and kind. All those lovely things we love most of all. I am Dorothy and he is the Scarecrow and what I wanted to say when we hugged goodbye, I think I’ll miss you most of all.

(Author’s note: after years upon years of saying I was going to apply to grad school for an MFA in writing, I finally took the plunge and submitted my application in August, accepted an offer in October, and attended my first term on campus this January. Just getting home now after 10 days of my heart breaking open and love and admiration and brilliance and kindness pouring in. This is also no joke, there is an avalanche of work to be done, more than 100 books to be read, countless piles of pages to be written, word by sometimes painstaking word, for the next two years. Graduation, 2017. No breaks, unless you withdraw from the program, no easing of what you need to do in order to graduate. I refuse to let these people down, I refuse to let myself down. There will be incredible sacrifices, it is a drain on the finances, vacation time, time with loved ones, free time. There is no more free time. Not sure there ever was. But I am committed. It has been almost six months since I’ve posted on this blog. For some reason the words seem to flow easily on here despite being sent out into the blog-sphere and not remaining safely cradled in the depths of my notebook. For some reason the pressure is mostly off for me on this blog and there’s a feeling of freedom… to write what comes to mind. I’ve also taken a small break from CF, most recently for six plus weeks but intend to get back to it however painful that initially sounds, this week. That’s about all for now.)

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