Confidence, now humility

“There’s been a lot of change in the last year. It is good to honor those shifts, to fully feel them, so that we can let go of what needs to be surrendered, and remember what is worthy of our love and gratitude.

What have you lost, what are you grieving?”

There’s probably many things I’m forgetting that happened this year. Many lost moments worth grieving. If you’re one of them, I apologize. There’s some failed relationships in there, a lost job, some broken conversations, a few apologies owed, some kindnesses to repay. But right now what is foremost in my mind and in my every moment is my need to heal, to be 100% again. The injured foot is with me always – from the moment I wake till the moment I fall asleep and even while I’m asleep as it can wake me up at night too. It has been a long road.

So for now, as it is foremost on my radar: I grieve confidence in my ability. I do not mean to be ungrateful for healing. No, I am grateful that I am getting better. But, I’ve never been injured quite like this before. I’ve never been injured for such a long time and with so much uncertainty as to whether or not I will get better.

Using my body, releasing energy by moving, being strong, picking up things, being independent, creating physical activity – this was my go to, my safety, my release. I was the person that opened the jar for you, that could lift the heaviest box, that was first to sign up for the local 5K or the Tough Mudder in New Jersey, that reached for the item on the top shelve, that could carry the most bags of groceries from the car. I felt confident in my ability.

Feeling stressed about a relationship, a conversation at work, an upcoming event? Go for a run, play a sport, hit a WOD. It is through movement that the body kicks into gear and the brain sharpens its focus on the task at hand. It is through pushing yourself and your physical abilities that you find reward in doing what you thought might be impossible.

Being injured negates the ability to be active at the level I knew, at the level at which I felt confident. Without the ability to be active, to be an athlete, to sweat and exhaust my body, what is there? What’s the go to? What is the release?

Where confidence once stood, now sits humility.

The path back is long. I have two choices: give up, or start moving. I am grateful to my body for its ability to heal. I choose to start moving.