“It’s kind of like when you look at yourself in the mirror and you say your name. And it gets to a point where none of it seems real. Well, sometimes I can do that, but I don’t need an hour in front of a mirror. It just happens very fast, and things start to slip away. And I just open my eyes, and I see nothing. And then I start to breathe really hard trying to see something, but I can’t. It doesn’t happen all the time, but when it does, it scares me.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

This cool cup was just given to me by my sister-in-law after her trip to visit my nephew who just moved to Seattle. I love Seattle. I love coffee. I love Starbucks. This whole picture makes me very, very happy.

On another note: Feeling like all my hard work and training are slipping away from me. Feeling less and less like my former self and more like a shadow of what I used to be, what I used to feel. A reflection of what was, standing on the opposite side of the looking-glass and looking in. Standing inside a room with all the doors and windows closed and looking out.

My 2nd Place finish at Mass State Strongman in August seems faint and far away. Another person’s life, another person’s body.

It’s natural really, this transformation. I’m adjusting to my new life on crutches. Adapting so that I can function and survive in my day-to-day, be efficient and be able to do things that I used to do, however modified. My focus has shifted, instead of making it a priority to get to a WOD, a goal for the day is getting to the grocery store, preferably with someone’s help to push the cart and then carry the groceries from the car up the stairs and into my apartment once we get home.

One of the things that I would like to get back to, however modified, is CrossFit but I’m having a difficult time finding a comfortable path back. I’ve made it through the door at ACF and CCP a few times in the past weeks and worked with some folks, but each time feels like a step forward and two steps back – unable to do the movements I was once capable of doing, barbell movements specifically; Clean and Jerk, Deadlift, Snatch, those steely barometers by which every CF’er measures themselves.

Feeling lost and disconnected. Once able to share tips and pointers and talk weights and reps and strategy of the WOD and movements, the connection with athletes around me is stunted along with the familiarity with which to plug in and learn and grow.

On Saturday I was determined to go in and do something, originally agreeing to meet Carmen for the noon WOD. ‘I can scale the shit out of it,’ I said feeling cocky and motivated.

‘I’m in!’ I confidently pronounced.

But once I walked thru the door I felt instantly intimidated and lost. The desire to try and fit into the class drained away.  So then I just stood there, atop my crutches in the middle of the hallway, uncertain with what to do with myself. Unsure and feeling awkward I did what anyone would do, I hobbled off to the bathroom to kill some time. I made it up the stairs and into the ladies room and just stood there for a moment in the solitude of the rows of lockers.

I’m here, it’s a start, I thought. At least do something. I have to do something.

So I hopped back downstairs and crutched into the double wide. I leaned my crutches against the wall and grabbed a 24lbs. kettle bell and sat down on the floor. I can do weighted sit-ups, I thought.

Just as I began my reps the noon class piled into the double wide with their kettlebells from the warm up in tow. Their path to the kettle bell rack was blocked by only one thing, me, lying in the middle of the floor in front of the rack.

One by one they said excuse me and began stepping over me as they put their kettle bells away. Eventually the room grew quiet as they continued stepping over me in silence.

Sitting there looking up at them I wondered how much worse it could get.

Then Jay called me into the office. A metaphor, really. We actually set up an appointment to talk. ‘Am I fired?’ I asked half expecting it.

‘No,’ he said. ‘Pardon the expression… but when I saw you the other day it looked like you were dragging your dick in the dirt. That’s guy talk. Clearly you don’t have a dick.’

‘Thanks, Jay,’ I said. ‘I get it.’

‘Well?’ he asked.

‘It’s true,’ I said. ‘Not gonna lie… it’s been a challenging month.’

‘You know, Mary, there’s no reason you can’t WOD,’ he said. ‘You can scale everything. I challenge you to start hitting the WODs and scaling them.’

‘I don’t like a lot of attention,’ I said offering the nearest excuse I could find. ‘I feel awkward.’

‘So come in during the day,’ he said. ‘The 3pm is pretty quiet.’

So I did. Today. I emailed the coach, Andrew, and I said I was thinking of coming in, ‘Would you mind helping me scale the WOD?’ I asked. ‘Absolutely, let’s do it,’ he said. And so we did. Today.

A quick internet search before heading into ACF lead me to this lovely post for those looking to WOD with a broken foot. I printed it, and will now be using this as my guide for the weeks/months ahead, whatever it takes, to get moving again.

Today’s Modified WOD:

5 Rounds For Time

20 Ring Rows

20 knee pushups

20 Wall Ball Sit Ups

With the 20 minute time cap made it through to the last round and half way through push ups. Arms were in complete failure. It felt glorious. Glorious I say.